Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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