He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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