how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
