Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
