Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize