The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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