The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
