Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
