I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize