dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize