I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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