dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
