I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
