Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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