I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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