is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
