I wish I only lived at night.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
