i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
