I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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