i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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