That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
