I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
