It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
