I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
