ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
