Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
