Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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