you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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