I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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