she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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