god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
