Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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