Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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