Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I didn't notice because vodka
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
