youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
