shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
