I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
