She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
