I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
sarcasm needs its own font
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
