I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
