I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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