I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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