he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
