I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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