i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
