At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
