he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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