Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
