Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
