How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
