I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
