I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
