I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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