I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
