God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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