No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
pop tarts are not kleenex
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
