Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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