the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
