I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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