my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
