I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
