People in love make me want to vomit
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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