So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
